Some bad things happened recently.
The kind of bad that made me sit down on the floor and sob and wonder questions like why do I and is it worth it and will the road ever run smoother. The bad happened in amid a spot of good, and I don’t know if the good saved me, or if it made it worse for letting me believe a spot of good could be a world of it.
I went away for a little break. Away from writing. Away from the life connected with it, and all the weight. I drove into the countryside with two amazing friends, stretched in the backseat and listened to music and watched stars through the moon roof and pieced my hope back together.
And now I’m back. Back and still struggling to find myself amid the lingering malaise–frustration, fatigue, anger. I am trying to find my focus. Trying to use that spot of good as a raft.
(So much good lovelies. An ocean of it. Why does a spot bad have the power to pollute it?)
I need that focus. I haven’t found it yet, but I need it more than ever. I hope I’ve not–and fear I have–spooked it away with all my needing. At some point I’m going to have to climb out of myself and all these heavy thoughts and into other selves and find their thoughts instead and it feels like I’ve forgotten how to do that, but I know it’s just the spot of bad, holding on, dragging me down.
I’m writing this post to myself as much as you, to tell myself it’s time to let go.
Bad things happen.
But good things can be made. From them. In spite of them.
And it’s time to make good things.
This summer I will write two books. Aim for a third if I’m feeling ambitious (hard to believe in my current state, but writing this is finding words and right now I’ll take them, whatever their shape). This summer I will drag my eyes away from the recent past and refocus on the near future. On a season of writing. Creating. Building new roads, and rafts, and whatever else I need to stay afloat.
It’s time to stand up again.
It’s time to start.
So I’m saying this to you now. If you’re feeling lost, bone-sad or heartbroken or hopeless or astray, get up. We cannot move forward until we stand up.
Let’s stand up.