My mind is a cloud of colored glass.

Right now, my mind is a cloud of colored glass. My thoughts and wants and wishes all hang by strings and when I look up, they seem like simple, fragile things.

Right now, my sanity is a stripe on a swimming pool floor. And I feel mad for the number of laps I’ve done, whispering over and over to the world beneath the water about my hopes and fears.

Right now, I am wearing a locket with the word “Breathe” scribbled on an edge of notebook paper tucked within.

I’ve been stressed lately, and I still am stressed. If you follow me at all online, it’s impossible not to notice. But also know that I never forget how lucky I am to be where I am. And stress is okay. Worry is okay. For me it goes hand in hand with taking chances. I don’t think I trust people who never fear, and I trust them just as little when they do fear and manage to hide behind perfect calm.

I don’t hide my stress. I won’t. It’s as much a part of my journey as my joy. But the fact is this. My life is blessed. No matter what weight you give that word, it’s true. And much as I joke of want and stress, I am watching my dreams come true. It’s a funny thing that dreams are so rarely as simple or as carefree or as blissful as they seem when we are dreaming them. Every win comes with a loss and some days it seems so black and white but it’s not. Not at all.

So I suppose this is to say, thank you. For putting up with the PONIES, and if you’re on Twitter, for the occasional WHY TIME MUST YOU MOVE AT YOUR ACCURSED RATE tweets, and the records of my escapism into TV series and varieties of tea.

This too shall pass. And until then, I shall wear my locket, and swim my laps, and stare up at the balls that hang from my ceiling.


12 thoughts on “My mind is a cloud of colored glass.

  1. Jen Chandler says:

    Victoria, this post is brilliant. I understand how you’re feeling. I’m working on a dream at the present (long put on hold and just now resurrected) and boy oh boy is it no where near as easy-breezy as I’d hoped! I had a feeling it wouldn’t be but still, a little less stress would be nice.

    Keep breathing, keep swimming. Good mantra 😀

    PS: LOVE the glass that hangs above your nook. They’re gorgeous and inspiring.

  2. Teri Brown says:

    The downs are as much a part of our journey as the ups. I’m not sure why society puts pressure on us to always show our perfect public face, the false front. By doing that we are negating our genuine selves.

    • veschwab says:

      Exactly. Now, I also don’t think an author should focus on downs and forget to show ups, but the fact is, it’s a balance.

  3. Jen says:

    Is that your little nook? It’s GORGEOUS!

  4. Danielle says:

    Aw, V….I love you. I am glad that you don’t/won’t hide your worry and stress. It’s better to let them out–and we are here for you. Them ponies won’t be dragging you down forever! And I’m in awe of how you are handling it, at your perspective and hope in the midst of it. You are right–your dreams ARE coming true. I think it’s a beautiful thing and you facing it gives me hope for it. Not all dreams are good, which I say to mean that sometimes while achieving the good ones, you have to overcome the bad ones. From where I sit (whether you think it or not) you’re handling it well. I say drink tea, whisper to the line, watch TV. One day you’ll wake up and not need to anymore. Until then you’ve got us. You’ve got me. If you need me I’m here. If you need to cry or getaway or jump for joy you aren’t alone! 🙂 **hugs**

  5. Elen says:

    That was beautifully written. You stress with gusto! I like that. I confess to be having glass envy as I write this comment. Mercy! 🙂

  6. Bonnie says:

    That glass is GORGEOUS! I want a place in my house that looks like that! *in awe*

    Good luck to you. Things will mellow out at some point. I can’t wait to see how fantastic the second half of 2011 will be for you. I’m glad to see you honestly telling us about your struggles along the way.

    Hang in there! ❤

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